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The Paradox by ~shadowassassin:iconshadowassassin:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Old Poetry Structure > Emotional




.




The tears traverse her eyes
like worn travelers,
wandering desert-men quenched
in their own sweat;
mountains wrinkle her blue,
weary skin, pushing up sky
to rapid raindrops
that parachute onto the folds.

Her mouth curls, smiling,
raping me with dirty deja vu
of entangled love,

and my mind gasps,
twisting this paradox
around its digits
like a troublesome hair.




.
©2003-2009 ~shadowassassin
:iconshadowassassin:

Author's Comments

Well well. What have we here?

I have been writing a lot of poems on love/hate relationships and the confusion that comes with them. This is rather odd since I haven't had a girlfriend in two years. Oh well.

I like this. That probably means it isn't very good. But I like it, and I'd like to edit it. Suggestions are welcome.

Stock photo curteosy of ~hoju-stock. Uber-manip by me *cough cough added the text cough*

Comments


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:iconklmnumbers:
~klmnumbers Jul 31, 2003, 11:53:55 AM
Mmmmm love this. I am loving this... love love love..

I love this line wandering desert-men quenched
in their own sweat;

I can't tell if I love or hate The tears traverse her eyes
like worn travelers,.... the use of "trav" so closely together... which is ironic... since you can't tell if you love or hate the subject of the poem... :-) (Smile)

The last stanza is fantastic... you personify and give me beautiful images all the while reminding me of the fact that the situation, although occasionally wonderful, remains irksome...

Yay for you. +fav

--
"What wasted unconditional love on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff... Oh, well."
:icondancinginvisible:
~dancinginvisible Jul 31, 2003, 11:54:44 AM
great atmosphere. "dirty de ja vu" great line. you have great talent. i'm adding you to my devwatch.
:iconhermsty:
~hermsty Jul 31, 2003, 11:55:16 AM
I can see you ;) (Wink) Lovly eyes. I can see the kitchen lamp in the eye also. Neat!!

--
:lmao: :pee::confused: - I don't care if you stink piss! I still love you!
:icongergor:
~gergor Jul 31, 2003, 12:36:23 PM
What's it called when you give human traits to stuff? I know personification applies to inanimate objects, but what's the other one, where you give them to animate objects? Onomatopeia? Is that how its spelled? Anyway, I like your use of it in this poem. Your style of writing is kind of refreshing after hearing about how screwed up everyone else is in their poems. Yadda yadda nice poem, good night.

--
//g\e/r\g/o\r\\
:iconklmnumbers:
~klmnumbers Jul 31, 2003, 12:48:52 PM
To ~gergor It's personification. Onomatopoeia (however the hell you spell it) is a word that sounds like what it is... for example... BANG! Buzz.... BOOM! etc... :-) (Smile)

--
"What wasted unconditional love on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff... Oh, well."
:iconrebelchic:
`rebelchic Jul 31, 2003, 2:39:19 PM
Well it certainly doesn't stink.

I'm a sucker for alliteration, so that alone gave me a mental orgasm. Mm hm.

The middle stanza has to be my favorite. It has that play on words that I find so delicious to read.

Nothing to say because there isn't anything wrong with it.

Peanut.

--
:shakefist:
:iconwakingdreamer:
~wakingdreamer Jul 31, 2003, 3:57:49 PM
Don't be so modest Phil...

This has got to be one of my favourite pieces from you, not just because of the imagery but because of the feelings and thoughts it provokes. This is very powerful and touching considering the fact that you haven't had a relationship in two years... and your age... gee... I envy you. =P (Razz)

Seriously though, for someone who hasn't been in a relationship for quite some time, you sure have a lot of insight. What gives Phil? What gives? =P (Razz)

Alright alright - I will stop now.

Great poem. Yet another fave from me.

;) (Wink)

PS: And you said you needed adopting?!!! You are doing very well on your own sweety!!! :D (Big Grin)

--
"save defects for later... we're angels for now."
:iconhojucult:
~hojucult Jul 31, 2003, 4:04:18 PM
This is good. 2 things I that came to mind instantly while reading..

like worn travelers,
wandering desert-men quenched

this is a little repetitive.. worn travelers and wandering desert-men .. It just seems as though you're describing the same thing twice. Aside, maybe you could change that 2nd line to;

desert wanderers, quenched ?

Her mouth curls, smiling,
raping me with dirty deja vu
of entangled love,

I dont really like 'raping'. It seems to bold and out of place. Maybe you could be a little more subtle, with something like 'corrupting me', and take out 'smiling'.. it's quite obvious that if her mouth curls, then she is smiling. Also, 'mouth curls, corrupting' = alliteration. Weeeee!

Hope these suggestions are slightly more helpful than the non-helpful comments I left previously :P (Lick)



--
MY BLOG: [link] MY HOME: [link]
:iconbrokentink:
~brokentink Jul 31, 2003, 5:18:17 PM
raping me with dirty deja vu


This is the one of the most....fascinating lines.....

--
Violent movies, vidoe games and music dont make me violent, stupid people make me violent!
:iconthefaded:
~thefaded Jul 31, 2003, 7:44:22 PM
This is really good. I'm loving this stanza, esp the bolded:

Her mouth curls, smiling,
raping me with dirty deja vu
of entangled love,
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